


KABILANG BUHAY

by sunflowersideup



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Domestic, Inspired by Music, M/M, Songfic, Wordcount: Over 10.000
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27537844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowersideup/pseuds/sunflowersideup
Summary: 'Di ba't sabi mo sabay tayong tatanda?bakit bigla ka na lang nad'yaan?sa kabilang buhay.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	KABILANG BUHAY

**Author's Note:**

> this is a word vomit fic and doing this was out of impulse decision because almost everybody sings Kabilang Buhay by Bandang Lapis whenever I'm around. I might post an English translation on my wattpad account if there are non-filo speakers who wants to read but I can't promise because I'm running out of English nowadays. This might have a part two too if it became too painful, which I think isn't that much compared to the legit angst aus I've read here. So, yeah.

> Listen to [Kabilang Buhay](https://link.tospotify.com/Y3sZnIftnbb) by Bandang Lapis while reading to appreciate this au more.

Screams from thousands of people resonated the whole room. Darkness is all that he can see. The only light are those that are coming from huge spotlights pointed at him and the small flicks of lightsticks.

It’s been a year. Exactly a year since he passed the auditions. Ngayon, isa na siya sa mga sikat na singer-song writer sa Pilipinas. Who would’ve thought that he’ll get on this stage that fast? Yes, maybe that person. Because that person’s the only one who believed on him since day one. That person is his inspiration, his muse, his number one supporter. Siya ang una niyang fan. Ang unang nagsigaw ng pangalan niya. Ang unang nakinig sa mga kanta niya. He’s so thankful of that person. He’ll forever be grateful.

Isang ngiti ang kanyang pinakawalan bago pumikit at tumugtog ng gitara. Lumakas ang mga hiyaw, ang tawag sa pangalan niya, ang mga papuri. Pero sa likod ng talukap ng mga mata, isang tao lang ang nakikita. Sa kabila ng nakakabinging ingay, isang boses lang ang naririnig.

Iminulat niya ang kanyang mata at agad na intinapon ang tingin sa taong tahimik na nakangiti sa kanyang harapan.

He felt like crying. He knows he’ll surely cry.

Isang taon na. Isang taon na nang huli niyang makita ang ngiting ‘yan. Isang taon na nang huli niyang makita ang mukhang ‘yan.

‘Ni hindi man lang siya nakapagpaalam. Hindi man lang siya nasabihan na huli na pala ‘yon. Kasi kung alam niya lang, kung alam niya lang, handa niyang bitawan ang lahat para lang mahigpitan ang kapit sa taong nasa harapan niya. Handa niyang ipagpalit ang kahit na ano, kahit ang entabladong kinatatayuan niya ngayon.

Unti-unti niyang narinig ang paghina ng mga hiyawan nang ibuka na niya ang bibig para kumanta.

Bawat salita, bawat letra ng isinulat niya, isang tao lang ang nasa sa isip. Muli niyang naramdaman lahat ng emosyong meron siya noong mga oras na isinulat niya ang kantang kinakanta niya ngayon. This song is his fastest release. Some of it’s lyrics are already written. He revised it according to what he feels a week ago. He put it on the melody he composed with the person he’s singing it for.

He’s trying so hard not choke. Even though he can already feel the lump building up on his throat, ipinagpatuloy niya lang ang pagkanta. He’s almost only spitting the words. He can also already feel the hot liquid welling on the corner of his eyes. Nanlalabo na ang tingin niya sa paligid at alam niya na rin sa sarili niyang hindi na tama ang bigkas niya sa lyrics kahit first verse pa lang.

He can now hear sobs from the people that are watching him. And it pains him that his supposed to be thank you concert end up like this. He’s supposed to make his fans cry with tears of joy. Pero heto siya at idinadamay sila sa sakit na nararamdaman niya.

Being a public figure for almost a year gave his fans the idea of what his life had been before he debuted. They felt sorry for him for digging his past, for invading his privacy. But he’s thankful that they understand what he was. What he is. He’s thankful that at least they’re here. May kasama siyang ipagpatuloy ang pangarap niya.

He heard his fans sing along with him on the chorus. They’re obviously changing the lyrics in second-person. As if they’re singing it to tell that person what Mark wants to say.

They’re indeed the best. They’re all there on his worst day. And here they are again with him.

In the middle of singing, he stopped and just sobbed. His fans are still singing. They’re all singing for him.

“Iiyak mo lang, Mark! We’re all here for you!” he heard one from the VIP section shouted.

A lot of them followed. Telling him that all will be well in the future. Some even tried to make him smile by saying they will come and smack the reason of his pain on the butt for him. That only made him cry more. Some of his fans threw handkerchief and tissues for him to use.

This will be a big news but no one can blame him. This concert has been planned and announced months ago. Cancelling it six days prior would be unprofessional. But no one can blame him for acting like this. Almost the whole world knows how fragile and devastated he is now. A scene like this bounds to happen. They’re all expecting him to breakdown. It’ll be even a miracle to see him get through this concert without shedding a single tear.

A lot of his fans actually petitioned this concert to be postponed. But eventually, when the organizers said it would be impossible since it’s a week away already, they decided to stop. Three days before the concert, they collectively agreed to lessen Mark’s pain even a little by being with him the night before he bid goodbye to the one he loves. To that person. To his muse. His boyfriend.

Huminga siya ng malalim at sinabayang muli ang kanyang fans sa pagkanta.

The song they’re singing now was only posted the day before this concert. And Mark is shocked to hear all of them sing along on almost the whole song. Na para bang wala silang ibang pinakinggan buong araw kundi ang kantang ‘yon. They know every single word. Maybe they even know how heavy those words weigh for him.

He just let his tears roll as he close his eyes again.

It’s time for him to accept, for him to let go. But before he do that, he wants to remember, to reminisce. He wants to feel it all again.

* * *

“Love, panoorin mo ‘ko.”

Mark immediately has his eyes locked on his boyfriend when he heard him called. Hawak nito ang gitarang bigay niya noong birthday nito. An acoustic guitar with stickers of watermelon and pizzas. It also has a drawing of a badly-shaped heart na inambag lang ni Mark sa design using a permanent marker.

His boyfriend’s smiling while looking at the guitar he’s holding. Kinakapa ang chords na ilang linggo na niyang inaaral. He looks excited. Maybe all his practices paid off already and he’s now ready to brag it on his mentor.

He strummed a C-chord. Perfectly putting pressure on the strings and pulling it off. Mark smiled widely, completely neglecting his songwriting notebook.

The boy tried another chord but Mark saw that one finger is not on the right place so he stood up and went to sit beside him.

“Dito mo ilagay,” he said with a smile.

His boyfriend strummed again and it sounded beautiful. He even tried to play with it to create a nice sound. Mark only cooed proudly.

“Try playing G, mahal.”

Agad na tinulungan ni Mark ang kamay nito at itinuro kung saan ba dapat ilagay ang bawat daliri.

Malapad na ngiti ang ibinigay sa kanya ng boyfriend nang maayos nitong nagawa ang itinuro ni Mark.

That smile. It’s the only smile Mark would fucking die for. Ngiti ng isang Lee Donghyuck.

“You’re improving, love. Kapag natuto ka na ng tuluyan, wala na akong kayang gawin na hindi mo kaya. You’re better than me at all things aside from playing guitar. Akin ka ba talaga?”

Ngumiwi si Donghyuck sa tanong ng boyfriend, “Ang OA ha. Hindi ka lang marunong magluto eh.”

Mark laughed at that. Donghyuck rolled his eyes and proceeded on playing again. There are times that he would play the guitar wrong but what’s the use of being in a relationship with Mark if he won’t learn how to play it easily? Syempre to the rescue lagi si Mark sa kanya.

“Tama na, sa isang araw na lang ulit,” Mark told him.

Donghyuck pouted. Of course he will pout. Hindi na ata mawawala sa isang Lee Donghyuck ang pagiging cute. Madalas pa niyang nagagamit ‘yon para mapasunod si Mark sa mga gusto niya.

“Love, you’re pressing the strings too lightly. Alam kong masakit na ang mga daliri mo.”

Mark pulled the guitar away from his boyfriend and scanned the calloused tip of his fingers. It’s starting to have little wounds. Namumula na ito sa diin ng pagkakalapat sa matatalas na string ng gitara.

Mark can feel the sting of those wounds. He had been there. Noong mga panahong kasing nipis pa ng balat ng mga daliri ni Hyuck ang daliri niya.

He lightly touched it and saw Hyuck flinched.

“see? Nasasaktan ka na eh,” Mark said with worry in his voice.

Hyuck stuck his tongue out, which made Mark pull him closer. He hugged him tight and kissed the crown of his hair.

“Luh, ang clingy. Nakakainis.”

They both burst out laughing, Donghyuck changing his position between Mark’s arms to hug the older back and kiss him on his neck.

“Love, promise me you won’t be sad for too long.”

Mark clung to his boyfriend more while closing his eyes, dwelling on Hyuck’s warmth and feeling the most of it.

“Hyuck naman, please, stop bringing that up.”

Donghyuck pulled away and looked at Mark’s closed eyes. There are tears on the corners of it already. He quickly kissed the tears away.

When Mark still not moved a single muscle, he carded his fingers on the strands of his boyfriend’s hair. He massaged his scalp and nape and kissed him all over his face.

Donghyuck ended up hugging him again, tightly this time. He leaned his head on Mark’s shoulder and faced away from his boyfriend’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” he said with a pout.

That’s when Mark sigh. He put an arm around Hyuck’s waist and let his other hand play on the younger’s hair.

“Just… just don’t talk about it again.”

“Minhyung, we don’t have a lot of time—”

Mark tighten his hug and sighed once again.

“I know, I know. But please, mahal. Hindi ko pa kaya.”

With that, he felt warm liquid spreading on his shirt around the shoulder area where Hyuck leans. And then there are small cries and hiccups.

“H-hindi naman kita iiwan eh.”

_Sana nga. Sana nga hindi mo ‘ko iwan._

* * *

Mark woke up late. Lagi naman actually. Because he’s always sleeping late too. Madalas siyang inaabot ng 3AM sa pagsusulat ng lyrics at pagre-revise ng mga naisulat na niya. He’s always inspired to write something. Kasi lagi niya ring nasa tabi ang inspirasyon niya.

Speaking of inspirasyon, kinapa ni Mark ang espasyo ng kama nila na paboritong parte ni Dochyuck. Medyo malamig na ang bedsheet at halatang mga ilang oras na noong bumangon ang katabi.

Napipilitan man ay iminulat din ni Mark ang mga mata para hanapin ang kanina’y katabing matulog.

He heard noises from their kitchen, probably his boyfriend cooking something again. Donghyuck loves cooking. He loves cooking for Mark to be exact. Because according to his boyfriend’s older brother, Johnny, hindi naman daw nagluluto sa bahay nila ang nakababatang kapatid. Kahit daw takure ay hindi mo ito mapapaghawak. Maybe Mark always get the special treatments. One of the reasons why he had a hard time gaining Johnny’s blessing.

Ang panganay na kapatid lang naman ni Donghyuck ang napakahirap i-please noong mga panahong nanliligaw pa siya. Johnny’s even more strict compared to their parents. Siguro dahil na rin sa nagkasama sila noon sa iisang banda. They were so close before he even met Donghyuck and on those times that he’s friends with Johnny, kinunkunsiti nila ang isa’t isa sa iba’t ibang kalokohan. Mark totally understand that Johnny would not approve him easily as Hyuckie’s boyfriend when they spent nights flirting with multiple girls years before.

But now? After four years of being in a relationship with Donghyuck? ‘Ni hindi na nga maalala ng dalawa ang mga kagaguhan nila noon. He even calls Johnny “Kuya” as if they’re legit brother-in-laws.

Johnny and him had a serious talk about Donghyuck one time. Christmas eve, when he went to their family house to fetch Hyuckie. Apparently, Donghyuck’s parents finally agreed to let their youngest son live with Mark under the same roof. They said he’s already old enough for them not to interfere on what makes him happy anymore.

But Johnny, he didn’t let Mark take his little brother away without the talk.

Tandang-tanda niya pa kung anong sinabi sa kanya ni Johnny. Kung ano ang sinabi niya kay Johnny.

_“’wag na ‘wag mong sasaktan ang kapatid ko, Minhyung Lee. Hyuckie will forever be a baby in my eyes. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap para sa’kin ang makitang aalis siya ng bahay na ‘to. You don’t know how much betrayed I feel na kaya ka niyang piliin over his own family.”_

_Mark wanted to laugh so bad back then but he knows Johnny was sincere with his words._

_“He’s not choosing me over you. He’s only expanding this family. He’s letting me in. But I want you to know that I won’t just barge in this family if I will only hurt Donghyuck. I won’t even step a foot inside your house if my intentions are bad.”_

_Johnny scoffed and gave his back a pat._

_“Prove yourself to us, Mark. Dahil hindi kita papapasukin sa pamilyang ‘to hangga’t ‘di mo napapatunayan na karapatdapat ka.”_

_Mark gave him a smile, a sincere one._

_“I won’t do anything to prove myself to you or anyone else. Lahat ng ginawa, ginagawa at gagawin ko ay para kay Hyuckie. I won’t do the things I will do for me to prove myself. I’ll do it to keep Donghyuck. To make him feel appreciated and loved.”_

_Ibinalik ni Mark sa nakatatandang kapatid ni Donghyuck ang tapik sa likuran. They both looked at Donghyuck who called them for dinner._

_Nang ibaling ni Johnny muli ang tingin kay Mark, binigyan niya lang ito ng isang ngiti._

_“I love your brother so damn much, man. ‘Wag kang mag-alala.”_

Mark took his guitar that is placed next to their bedroom door. Bitbit niya ito pababa sa salla at papuntang kusina. He walked with light steps. Probably the reason why Donghyuck didn’t notice him.

He eyed his boyfriend from his bed-hair to his socked feet. He doesn’t wear short shorts but he surely still looks gorgeous with the long tee and loose pants. Mark loves Donghyuck’s thighs the most but this morning-Donghyuck, this is the one that makes him hard and soft at the same time. Kung ano man ang tumigas at nanlambot sa kanya, sigurado siyang hindi magugustuhan ni Johnny.

He can already smell the food Donghyuck is cooking. God, he’ so lucky to have him as his boyfriend. Imagine, ang sarap na nga niya, ang sarap pa niyang magluto. Pakiramdam ni Mark, tingin pa lang, busog na siya.

Umupo siya sa isa sa mga upuan nila sa kusina. He crossed his legs on the chair and put the guitar on it. He’s wearing the sweat shorts Donghyuck loves to steal from him. The muscle on his calves looks odd but Hyuckie always tell him it looks okay.

He strummed softly on his guitar, getting Hyuckie’s attention. Donghyuck swiftly turned to look at him. His hair is a mess. His banngs is covering almost half of his face. But fuck, he’s still beautiful. Siya ‘yung tipong ang sarap sarap pa rin titigan kahit halatang may muta pa sa mata at oily pa ang mukha.

Mark smiled at him then started singing Justin Bieber’s Intentions. The song is perfect. Mark always find himself singing it everytime he stares unconsciously to his boyfriend for so long.

“gorgeous, make ‘em drop dead, you’re a killer.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes and kicked Mark on his shin softly.

“Stay in the kitchen cookin’ up, got your own bread.”

The younger threw a garlic clove on his face when he saw him licked his lips while looking at his ass. Fucking Mark Lee, always horny early in the morning.

“Ang ingay mo, peste ka. Tumulong ka dito.”

Donghyuck stole the guitar from Mark and placed it on table before dragging the older in front of the stove.

“Fried egg, Minhyung. Sunnyside up. Ilang beses na kitang tinuruan ha. Kapag ‘yan hindi mo pa rin na-perfect, salamat na lang sa lahat.”

Napakamot na lang si Mark sa itaas ng batok. Kahit pa ilang beses ihampas si Donghyuck ang kawali sa mukha niya, pakiramdam niya hindi talaga siya makakaperfect ng ganoong klase ng pritong itlog. Scrambled egg nga pumapalpak pa siya kasi madalas niyang makalimutan ang seasoning sa sobrang panic.

“Mahal naman—”

Agad siyang pinandilatan ng mata ni Donghyuck kaya hindi na siya nakaangal pa.

As expected, dumikit na naman sa non-stick pan kuno ni Donghyuck ang nilulutong itlog ni Mark. At heto na naman si Donghyuck sa pagpalo sa braso at pagkurot sa tagiliran niya. Sabi nito sisirain niya lang daw ang kawaling binili pa ni Donghyuck sa O-shopping.

“Nakakagigil, Minhyung Lee. Hindi mo ba alam kung ano ang mantika? Nagtipid ka sa mantika eh mas mahal ‘yang pinaglulutuan mo kumpara sa isang litrong mantika.”

Itatanong niya sana kay Donghyuck kung bakit dumidikit ‘yung itlog sa mamahalin niyang non stick pan pero pinigilan niya na rin ang sarili para maiwasang lalong ma-bad shot sa boyfriend at hindi makakain hanggang hapunan.

“Itlog lang ‘to, Minhyung oh. Hindi ka talaga pwedeng pabayaang mag-isa eh.”

Kung narinig man ni Mark na hindi siya kayang ipagluto ng boyfriend niya habang buhay, pinili niya na lang magbingi-bingihan.

* * *

“It’s been so long since we last watch movie together.”

Mark looked at the person leaning on his chest. The bright light coming from their tv screen gives him a different kind of glow. He’d seen Donghyuck in different angles, with different light touches, with make-up on, bare-faced, with blemishes. Hindi alam ni Mark kung paanong, kahit saang anggulo niya tingnan ang kasama, there’s only one word that comes in his mind. Ethereal.

He held his boyfriend’s chin and made him look up. Dahan-dahan niyang idinampi ang mga labi niya sa labi nito. Hyuck wasn’t even shock. Animo’y sanay na sanay na siya sa mga ganitong galaw ni Mark. But doesn’t he? Every time Mark sees a chance to kiss him, he will. At proud na proud naman si Donghyuck na siya ang paborito nitong papakin.

The younger boy cut the kiss before it even go hotter. Kasasabi niya lang na matagal na simula noong huli silang nanood ng movie nang magkasama. He wanna make the most of this. Who knows when will be their considered last. Sa bawat araw na magkasama sila ni Mark, he does his best to spend it like there’s no tomorrow.

“How about we watch horror? Let’s see kung duwag pa rin ang boyfriend ko.”

Mark clicked his tongue on the idea. Dahil sa totoo lang, oo, takot pa rin siya. Although unlike before na talagang sumisigaw siya sa bawat jump scare, napipigilan na naman niya ngayon. But the fear is still there. He doesn’t like the feeling of being paranoid just because he watched something that made him really uncomfortable. Pero si Donghyuck ang nag-suggest. Who is he to say no?

They chose on a lot of horror movies, some of it si Donghyuck na mismo ang kusang tumanggi. Hindi pa man sila nanonood ay dama na ni Mark ang kabog ng dibdib.

Isinalang na ni Hyuck ang napili nila. Mark forgot to look at the title but Donghyuck said it’s an exorcism movie. They haven’t tried watching something like that. Kadalasan kasi ay tungkol sa zombie apocalypse o kaya killing sprees ang pinapanood nilang horror.

Mark was so focused on the movie that he didn’t notice how tight he was clutching on Donghyuck’s arm. Hindi naman umaangal si Donghyuck dahil aware naman siya na matatakutin talaga si Mark. Even him is scared, it’s just understandable kung takot na takot na si Mark sa pinapanood nila.

“Matulog na kaya tayo?” Mark asked him.

In regular nights, he already laughed at Mark. Pero takot na rin siya kaya tango na lang ang naisagot niya. Mark probably sensed how scared he is too kaya ito na ang nagpatay ng tv at nagtapon ng mga kalat nilang balat ng chips at naghugas ng bowl ng popcorn. Naabutan niya pang tulala si Donghyuck sa kawalan noong balikan niya ito sa couch.

He called for Donghyuck’s name softly so he won’t startle or scare the younger more. When Hyuck looked up on him, he offered his hand, which Donghyuck held tightly.

Magkahawak-kamay silang umakyat ng hagdan papunta sa kwarto nila. Donghyuck held Mark’s hand like his life depends on it. He held it with both of his at tahimik lang na nakasunod sa paglalakad nito.

Mark guided his boyfriend to their bed, let him lay first and put a blanket over him. Pinanood lang siya ni Hyuck magpatay ng ilaw at bumalik sa kama nila. When Mark laid beside Hyuckie, the younger quickly wrapped his arms on Mark and snuggled on him.

“Sleep na, mahal. Ikaw naman kasi, ang dami-dami nating pwedeng panoorin, ‘yun pa talaga isinalang mo.”

They stayed like that for an hour or two. Sa totoo lang, dinadalaw na si Mark ng antok. He’ll probably fall asleep after a few counts of Hyuck’s heavy breathing. But Donghyuck started sobbing a quiety, wetting Mark’s shirt with his tears.

Mark quickly lifted his head up to turn the bed lamp on. Tumambad sa kanya ang mugtong mata ni Donghyuck at ang mapula nitong ilong.

“You’re scared, mahal?”

Donghyuck nodded, not being able speak. Bumangon si Mark sa pagkakahiga at sumandal sa headboard ng kama. He pulled Hyuckie with him and let his boyfriend lay on top of him.

“You want me to sing for you?”

Donghuck looked up and bit his lower lip, “yes, please.”

Mark smiled when saw the pout on Hyuckie’s lips. He kissed the pout away and messed the younger’s hair even more. Mark removed Hyukie’s tight hug to get the scared kitten’s guitar on the side of their bed. He sat straight and held the guitar close to his chest. Donghyuck get up and sit in front of him.

Mark strummed randomly to play different korean songs. They both like singing on sad korean songs and up-beat english songs. They just love singing with each other.

Mark have played six songs already when Donghyuck decided to sing along. He seemed to forget what he was afraid of earlier. Mark loves Donghyuck. He might not say it as much as his boyfriend does but he probably loves his boyfriend more than Hyuck loves him. He liked him for his beautiful voice. He loved him deeper after knowing there’s more to that pretty face and sweet voice.

After singing till their throat hurts, they finally stopped with smiles plastered on their faces.

Yakap-yakap pa rin ni Donghyuck si Mark sa pangalawang beses nilang pagsubok na matulog. He have a smile on pero sa kabila ng dilim na bumabalot sa kwarto ay kitang-kita ni Mark ang lungkot. Kitang-kita niya ang nangingilid na luha. Kitang-kita niya ang panginginig ng labi nito.

“You’re still scared, love?”

Donghyuck looked up again. He nodded his head again. Mark can feel his heart breaking when the tears rolled down the apple of his cheeks. Isa-isa itong nagpatakan sa braso ni Mark na ginagamit niyang unan.

“What are you being scared for? Nandito lang ako oh,” Mark told him while wiping his tears.

Donghyuck shook his head, “I know you’re always there. It’s me, Minhyung. Natatakot ako na baka dumating ‘yung araw na ‘yon nang hindi mo pa kaya.”

Mark immediatey shushed him, caging his head on his arms and burying his face on his chest.

“Donghyuck, ‘wag namang ganito.”

Hyuckie sniffed and hugged him back.

“I’m afraid. I’m so afraid that no one will hold your hand for me. You won’t be able to watch horror movies anymore. I know how stubborn you are. I know how much you hate skinships. You’ll probably reject Jaemin’s hand. I’m afraid you would miss me so much.”

“Matulog na tayo, please. Please, mahal.”

* * *

“What would you sing, love?”

Mark shrugged his shoulders and flipped his songwriting notebook. He then hummed and strummed on his guitar again.

Donghyuck scoffed, placing a bowl of sliced watermelon in front of Mark.

Kagagaling lang nila sa mall. They went for grocery shopping at para na rin mag-inexpensive date. Donghyuck was the one to ask Mark to go. Sabi kasi nito, miss na miss na daw niya ang arcade dates nila at pagkain ng streetfoods sa tapat ng mall. Hindi rin naman makatanggi si Mark dahil aminin niya man o hindi, miss na miss niya na rin ang dati nilang ginagawa.

Hindi na kasi kasing dalas ng noon ang mga lakad nila. They can’t even go on tagatay trips or 3-day vacation sa batangas na quarterly every year nilang ginagawa with their friends. Aware din si Mark na sobrang nainggit si Donghyuck sa mga post ng pinsan niyang si Jeno sa instagram. Donghyuck’s same-aged cousin went on a mountain hiking with his boyfriend Jaemin. They even have pictures riding bicycles. Those are the kinds of date Hyuckie wants to do with his boyfriend. Ang kaso, their family doctor told them he has to lessen energy-sucking activities. At kahit magpumilit si Donghyuck na ipagpatuloy pa rin ang buhay niya normally, all of his loved ones just won’t let him.

‘Yung mga date sa mall at park, ‘yun na lang ang kaya niyang ibigay kay Mark. Donghyuck is giving his best everytime they go to dates. He at least want Mark to enjoy. He at least want to make Mark see that he’s still happy with him.

He wants enjoy each and every day he spends with Mark. He doesn’t want Mark to feel like there’s something they weren’t able to do during this time that they’re still together. Even reaching his dreams. Donghyuck wants to be there with Mark. He wants to be with his boyfriend’s side from the beginning and until he reach it.

Kaya nang may nakita siyang nakadikit na audition poster sa mall, agad niyang hinila si Mark sa tapat nito. Matagal bago niya nakumbinsi ang boyfriend niya at halos tumalon siya sa tuwa nang sinabi nitong susubukan niya.

Mark is a really talented man. Back then when he’s still in a band with Johnny, siya lang ang laging pinapanood ni Donghyuck sa practice nila at gigs. Mark doesn’t know him yet that time. He’s that younger brother na laging nakaupo sa baitang ng hagdan nila habang nagpa-practice ang kapatid niya at mga kabanda nito sa kanilang salla. Siya ‘yung kapatid na taga-timpla ni Johnny ng juice at taga-bili ng tinapay sa kanto. Mark never noticed him then. Kasi kumpara kay Johnny, sobrang liit ni Donghyuck at laging may takip na unan sa mukha kapag lumalabas ng kwarto. Si Donghyuck ‘yung kapatid na laging pinapauwi ni Johnny nang maaga kasi bawal abutin ng hating-gabi sa mga bar at restaurant na tumawag sa kanila para magperform.

Donghyuck heard from them one time that Mark’s type are those who can sing the songs he wrote. In short, marupok daw si Mark sa may magandang boses. Donghyuck was aware of his talent. He even join contests on his school. So when he had a chance to perform one song on the bar Mark’s band performed, he did his best to catch Mark’s attention.

Johnny was furious back then. Isa ata sa mga ala-alang dadalhin ni Donghyuck ang reaksyon ng kapatid nang makita siyang nakaupo sa tapat ng mikropono nung gabing ‘yon.

Since that day, Mark tends to visit their house more often even though they don’t have practice. Hanggang sa nagsabi na siya kay Johnny at sa mga magulang ni Donghyuck na aakyat siya ng ligaw sa bunso ng pamilya.

That was their start. Simula noon, kasama na niya si Mark sa halos lahat ng yugto ng buhay nito.

Donghyuck was there noong makagraduate si Mark ng college. Donghyuck was there sa unang laban ng banda nina Mark out of town. He was there noong isa-isang kumalas sa grupo ang miyembro ng banda nila. He was there when Mark had his breakdowns, noong akala niya ay sinayang niya lang ang ilang taong pag-aaral ng musika para sa wala.

Donghyuck was the one to convince him that it’s not the end of his dreams. Donghyuck was the one to tell him that he’ll help him get there.

He knows that he doesn’t have all the time in the world. That’s why when he saw an opportunity for Mark to finally fullfil his dreams, he grabbed it quickly.

“Kumanta ka kaya ng self-composed song? It’ll give you extra points. Magaling kang tumugtog, magaling kang sumulat, maganda din ang boses mo,” Donghyuck said while counting on his fingers the good qualities Mark has that can give his extra credits.

“Ang gwapo mo pa, mahal. Mas gwapo ka pa sa mga artista nila doon eh. Kapag ‘di ka nila tinanggap, baka nai-insecure na lang sila sa’yo.”

Mark can’t help but laugh. Donghyuck really knows a lot of ways to boost his confidence. Si Donghyuck lang talaga ang may alam kung paano tanggalin ‘yung mga pag-aalinlangan at kakawalan niya ng kompiyansa.

“Kailan nga ulit ‘yan?” he finally paid Donghyuck attention.

Donghyuck let his mouth hang open in disbelief, “putangina ka, kanina pa ‘ko dumadaldal dito tapos hindi ka pala nakikinig.”

Mark gave him a peace sign and then a kissy face.

“Next week ‘yung mismong audition pero pwede ka nang magpasa ng application form ngayon to secure a queuing number. Madami ata ang magpupunta kasi malaking talent agency.”

Itinabi ni Mark ang gitarang hawak sa gilid ng couch bago kumuha ng isang slice ng pakwan na inihanda ni Donghyuck para sa kanya. Tumabi naman si Donghyuck sa kanya at kumuha din ng isa.

“’Wag na lang kaya? Sa ibang agency na lang. Hindi naman ako matatanggap sa mga ganiyang sikat. Hayaan mo ‘kong mag-umpisa sa ibaba.”

Inirapan lang siya ni Donghyuck. Hindi pa man nalulunok ang kinain ay binatukan na niya si Mark at sinigawan.

“Anong ‘wag ka d’yan! Ako na ang nagpasa ng application form mo kanina via email. Pwede bang ‘wag mo na lang akong ipahiya? Masyado kitang ipinagmalaki sa mga inilagay ko doon.”

* * *

Mark can hear Donghyuck screaming at the top of his lungs from outside their house. Mark went to buy Donghyuck’s prescribed medicines. The younger needed those to stay lively and healthy. Although alam naman nilang lahat na for maintenance lang talaga ang mga iyon at hindi naman talaga nakakatulong na mapagaling siya ng tuluyan.

But it helps him look like he’s okay. Katulad na lang ngayon. Mark caught him dancing on their living room while holding a broom. Paikot-ikot sa salla nila at ginagamit na mikropono ang hawak na walis.

Mark did not interrupt him and just listened. Donghyuck is singing Meghan Trainor’s Dear Future Husband. He sounds so good. Just like when Mark first heard his voice. Sweet, calming, soothing. Sobrang sarap pakinggan kahit na mukhang nagwawala na ito at nagh-headbang.

Napansin ni Mark ang nakaaslis sa pwestong mga furniture nila. He guessed Donghyuck is having his quote general cleaning unquote. Napailing si Mark nang makitang pawisan na ang likod nito. Tagaktak na rin ang pawis nito sa mukha at dibdib. He’s also already chasing his breath while singing.

Mark closed the door a little hard that made Donghyuck turn to face him. When Donghyuck saw him having a displeased look, the younger only swayed his hips and pointed the broom to Mark’s direction.

“you gotta know how to treat me like a baby even when I’m acting crazy”

Mark let out a soft chuckle and run to tackle Donghyuck down. He held Donghyuck’s waist tightly and let themselves drop on their couch with a loud thud. Mark’s on top of Donghyuck, looking at him in the eyes. Donghyuck giggled and kissed Mark repeatedly until the older decided to get up and pull Donghyuck with him.

Halos itapon na ni Mark ang dala-dalang paper bag at ang walis na hawak ni Hyuckie. Hinila niya si Hyuck padapa sa kanya at agad na hinakan ito.

The kiss is a little aggressive. There are tongues and teeth involved. Mark let his hands travel on Donghyuck’s wet body. He can feel the moist of the younger’s sweat under his palms. Donghyuck look the hottest when his hair is all soaked up.

When donghyuck felt Mark reach to pinch his nipple, it was his cue to separate himself from the older. He pulled away from Mark and smirked when he saw Mark catching his breath. Halata sa mukha ni Mark ang pagkabitin. Itinaas ni Donghyuck ang hintuturo para ipakita kay Mark na hindi niya makukuha ang gusto niya.

“Tagal mo, love. Nambabae ka pa ata eh. Ang dami ko nang nagawa oh.”

Inabot ni Donghyuck ang paper bag na nahulog sa coffee table nila matapos nagmamadaling ipatong ni Mark kanina. Kinuha niya rin ang walis na sa sahig sa pagitan ng couch at coffee table. Ambang itutulak ni Donghyuck ang malalaki nilang speakers nang pigilan siya ni Mark.

“Ako na. Ibabalik na lang naman sa mga dating pwesto ‘di ba? Magpahinga ka na lang sa kwarto at maligo kapag pwede na.”

Habol ang hiningang tumango si Donghyuck sa sinabi ni Mark. Itinabi niya ang walis na dala sa lalagyan nito at bitbit ang paper bag na umakyat sa kwarto nila para magpahinga.

Inumpisahan ni Mark ibalik ang mga gamit nila sa dati nitong pwesto. Matapos niyang buhatin ang ilang furnitures at magtulak ng malalaking gamit.

When he went to the kitchen to wash his hands, a stain of blood on the edge of the sink caught his attention. It looks like a hand full of blood grabbed on the edge. Medyo nanunuyo na ito pero kitang-kita na noong araw lang na iyon nagmarka.

Mark wants to cry when he saw that. Alam niya naman kung anong kalagayan ni Donghyuck at alam niya rin kung gaano na ito kalala. Pero kahit ilang beses ata ipaalala at ipamukha ‘yon sa kanya, hindi niya pa rin makakaya na aktwal itong makita. He can feel his knees shaking. Parang hindi niya ata kayang harapin si Donghyuck ngayon dahil alam niyang iiyak vang siya sa harapan nito.

“Love, you wanna eat something?”

Pigil-pigil ni Mark ang mga luhang gustong kumawala bago abutin ang pinakamavapit na basahan sa sink. Binasa niya ito at mabilis na pinunasan ang dugo sa gilid ng sink.

“Nakapagluto na ‘ko kanina eh. Gusto mo initin ko muna?”

Mark faced Donghyuck ang nodded, the younger smiled and went near him. Kinuha nito ang itinabing pagkain sa ref at iniinit sa stove at microwave.

Donghyuck was stirring the soup he’s reheating when Mark gave him a backhug.

“Donghyuck, marry me?”

He didn’t hear it the first time because Mark’s voice was vow and shaky so he hummed for Mark to repeat his question.

Mark held him on both his shouders and turned him around, “Mahal, pakasal na tayo.”

It’s not a question anymore. Mark is aready pleading him. His eyes, Donghyuck can’t look at his eyes. Nagmamaka-awa na si Mark sa kanya at hindi na niya alam kung paano pa siya tatanggi. Ilang beses na siyang umayaw sa proposal ni Mark. Ever since that day they discovered what donghyuck had been suffering, halos buwan-buwan na siyang inaaya ni Mark magpakasal. There are times that his boyfriend even involve their families and friends. Naging matatag si Donghyuck noong mga panahong ‘yon. He was so determine to turn Mark down. Kahit minsan naiisip na niyang bumigay at um-oo na lang. kasi ‘yun naman talaga ang isa sa mga pangarap nila. Isa ‘yon sa mga pangako nila sa isa’t isa. Na sabay silang tatanda. Na mag-aampon sila at bubuo ng pamilya nang magkasama. Pero hindi niya kaya. Hindi niya kayang ikulong si Mark. He love him so much that he’s willing to let go of that dream so that Mark can do it with another person.

Mark has a lot of time on his watch. He has a lot to spend. Hindi hahayaan ni Donghyuck na puputulin na lang din basta ni Mark ang kung anong meron siya para sa kanya. He’s not that selfish. He can’t be that selfish to the one he loves the most.

Kaya kahit hirap na hirap at hindi na niya matingnan ang mga mata ni Mark na nagmamakaawa, nagawa niya pa ring umiling.

“Mahal, kahit ito na lang. ibibigay ko lahat ng gusto mo, please.”

Umiiyak na silang dalawa, walang tumutigil kahit alam nilang nasusunog na ang pagkaing iniinit ni Hyuck. They both don’t have the apetite to eat anymore anyway.

“Hindi ko kaya, love. Hindi ko kayang itali ka sa taong kakawala din naman.”

Mark slowly let himself sit down on the floor. He’s crying so hard. He has his palms together whive looking up to Donghyuck.

“Please…”

Donghyuck wiped his tears and turned. Pinatay niya ang stove at tinanggal sa microwave ang food container na inilagay niya kanina. Hindi na niya pinansin ang pag-iyak at pagmamakaawa ni Mark. He just went straight upstairs to their room and slept.

Donghyuck woke up without Mark beside him. He’s not even sure if Mark slept beside him. Ito na naman sila. They’ll probably spend a night or three without talking to each other again. Hindi naman masisisi ni Donghyuck si Mark kung magtatampo man ito. Alam naman ni Donghyuck kung gaano na niya nasasaktan si Mark. He’s actually thankful that he’s still there beside him. He’s thankful that Mark still choose to stay even though he pushed him away for so many times already.

Pero sa totoo lang, mas gusto pa ni Donghyuck na sumuko at lumayo na lang si Mark. Para hindi na siya masaktan pa. Donghyuck wants Mark’s pain to stop already.

* * *

Mark was late. Dumaan pa kasi siya sa flowershop na binibilhan niya ng paboritong bulaklak ni Donghyuck. He bought flowers and requested for it to be delivered on their house. It was an apology gift. Donghyuck basically begged him to make up last night but he played hard to get. Hindi niya pa rin ito pinansin after two nights of ignoring the younger. Kaya noong naisip niyang masyado na siyang nagiging makasarili, eto at siya naman ang manunuyo.

He understands Hyuck why he always reject his proposal. Renjun, one of their rational friend, told him that he should stop asking Donghyuck for marriage. Sabi niya, lalo niya lang pinapahirapan at sinasaktan si Donghyuk. He told Mark that if the situation was different, Donghyuck probaby said yes in a heartbeat already. He told Mark that the older’s only making Donghyuck feel less, that he’s not enough, kasi hindi niya kayang makasal kay Mark. Mark took it in his heart but it was hard for him to accept the truth. Kaya patuloy pa rin siya sa pakikiusap kay Donghyuck, umaasa na baka magbabago ang isip nito. But seeing how difficult it was for Hyuckie to turn him down for the last time, pagbibigyan na lang siguro siya ni Mark. Making someone feel loved doesn’t require contracts of marriage anyway. Maybe he’ll just make happy for the rest of their lives.

Before he talked to one of the staffs, Hyuckie called him earlier and requested to facetime. He showed Mark that he received the flowers and told Mark that he has forgiven the older already. He wished Mark luck and reminded him to focus. Now, he’s here.

Dahan-dahan niyang binuksan ang pinto ng kwarto kung saan nagaganap ang audition na pinagpasahan ni Donghyuck ng application form niya. He thought he won’t make it there. But one of the staffs told him that he can still perform even though he was late for his que. Ang naging kondisyon na lang sa kaniya ay kailangan niyang intaying matapos lahat ng aplikanteng mag-audition bago siya sumalang.

It’s already 11PM and he’s finally able to enter the room. He turned his phone off after Hyuckie called when he was waiting to focus on rehearsing what he has to perform.

When he entered, he saw the judges that will evaluate his performance. He received a smile on one. The other one looked at him from head to toe. The other one greeted him.

He greeted them with a little enthusiasm like Donghyuck told him. He gave them a smile, which Donghyuck said will make them remember him. All the things he did while performing are the things Donghyuck reminded him to do.

Even the song he performed is the one he wrote for Donghyuck. It’s only that boy waiting for him on their house was on his mind. he’s his strength, his muse, his inspiration, his everything.

Kahit wala ito sa tabi niya, pakiramdam niya ay kasama niya ito. That’s how Donghyuck affects him. Kain na kain nito ang buong sistema ni Mark.

That’s why when the judges told him he’s a great performer, that he has a lot of potential in the industry, he thought immediately of informing Donghyuck.

After he left the room, he fished his phone out on his pocket and turned it on. Iniisip na niya agad kung paano sasabihin kay Hyuck. Na nakapasa siya sa audition. Na sabi sa kaniya ng mga judge, hindi na niya kailangang maghintay ng tawag na nakapasa siya dahil sinisigurado na nila ang kalalagyan nito sa industriya.

Maybe it’s true. Too much luck is impossible. Masyadong naging masaya si Mark. Masyadong naging madali ang lahat. It’s too good to be true, ika nga ng nakararami. Totoo ngang life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies.

When his phone turned on and showed his lockscreen, texts and notification of the calls from his friends and family flooded. Isa lang ang pakiramdam na agad naghari sa kanya. Kaba. Kung hindi kaba ay takot.

There are texts mostly from Johnny but he still dialed his boyfriend’s number first. Agad naman nitong sinagot ang tawag.

“Hyuckie? Are you okay, mahal? Are you home?”

Sunod-sunod ang mga tanong niya hangga’t hindi nagsasalita ang sumagot sa kabilang linya. Pikit-matang naghintay si Mark sa boses ni Donghyuck. Nanalangin na sana, sana okay lang ‘yung taong iniwan niya sa bahay. Na baka manunumbat lang si Johnny at ang mga kaibigan nila dahil hindi niya ipinaalam na sinubukan niyang mag-audition sa isang sikat na entertainment agency. He was praying so hard but he still didn’t get the thing he was praying for.

Jeno was the one who answered the phone, telling him that they are on the hospital. Jeno doesn’t even have to tell Mark which hospital should he go. Saulong-saulo na ni Mark ang daan papunta sa ospital na ‘yon. He had been there to take Donghyuck on check-ups multiple times already.

Kung kaya mang paliparin ni Mark ang sasakyan ay ginawa na niya. He’s so damn tired of this. He’s so fed up of their situation. Hindi na niya kinakaya na lagi na lang ganito. Na bawat araw, bawat oras maaring kunin na ng itaas ang taong pinakamamahal niya. Sawang-sawa na siyang maawa at masaktan para kay Hyuckie. Kung maari lang niyang kunin lahat ng sakit at pinagdadaanan nito ay matagal na niyang kinuha.

When he reached the hospital, almost everyone is already there. Sobrang naiinis si Mark. Naiinis siya na hindi niya man lang alam na ganito na pala ang kalagayan ni Donghyuck habang kumakanta siya sa mga putanginang wala namang ibang ginawa kundi magsulat sa papel sa harap niya. Kung alam niya lang na magkakaganito sana hindi na lang siya umalis kanina. Sana sa harap na lang ni Donghyuck siya kumanta. Kasi si Donghyuck lang naman ang gusto niyang manood sa kaniya. He’s the only one he wants to impress.

“Mark, anak, nakapasa ka ba sa audition?” salubong sa kaniya ng mama ni Donghyuck.

Mark showed Donghyuck’s mom the paper the staffs gave him earlier. It’s a paper that says he passed. He handed it to her with a teary smile.

“Surprise ba ‘to? Katulad ng mga nasa pelikula? ‘yung kunyari isinugod sa ospital si Donghyuck tapos ‘yun pala gusto niyo lang akong i-congratulate?”

Nangingginig ang boses niya habang naghihintay sa isa sa mga kabigan niyang kantiyawin siya at sabihan na sinira na niya ang plano nila. Naghihintay siya na lumabas si Donghyuck sa isa sa mga kwarto sa ospital na may hawak na cake at lobo. Iniintay niya ang sigawan at tawanan pero ang tanging natanggap niya ay hagulhol ni Renjun.

Ibinaling ni Mark ang tingin sa Mama ni Donghyuck at nakita ang pagtungo nito habang tahimik na umiiyak.

“Ma, acting lang ‘tong lahat ‘di ba? Si Hyuckie talaga idinamay pa kayo eh hindi naman ‘to ganoong kalaki,” he still continued.

It was Johnny who knocked some senses on him. He dragged Mark infront of the door of Donghyuck’s old room on that hospital. He made Mark look at the transparent glass served for peeking on the door. There Mark saw his boyfriend asleep, a lot of apparatus attached on him.

“Alam kong mahirap pero nandito na tayo, Mark.”

Mark looked up, he looked away from his boyfriend. Hindi niya kaya at hindi niya kailanman matatanggap kung ano man ang nasa loob ng kwartong nasa harapan niya.

“He told me one thing,” Johnny said with shaking voice.

The tall man swallowed the lump on his throat and continued, “He wants you to go on with pursuing your dreams. Bilib na bilib sa’yo ang kapatid ko. He was so sure you’ll pass the audition.”

The things is, when Donghyuck ended the facetime, he called his older brother to inform them his plan of surprising Mark. He was really planning on giving Mark a congratulatory gift. It’s a good thing actually. Because that same time, he had Johnny heard through the phone that his brother fainted. He immediately went Hyuckie and Mark’s house to check. Only to find his brother chasing death.

* * *

It’s almost a week and Donghyuck hasn’t wake up yet. Sa loob ng mga araw na lumipas, halinhinan ang magkakaibigan ng paghila kay Mark para umuwi at maligo o magpahinga. There are times that his own brother, Jaehyun, would team up with Johnny to drag him out the hospital. The worry they have for Donghyuck doubles up because of their fear that Mark would do something stupid. Sa katunayan, pati si Mark ay binabantayan na rin nila na parang pasyente. Good thing his brother’s boyfriend is a nurse. Sometimes, Taeyong volunteers to take care of Mark when the younger faints from over fatigue.

Donghyuck isn’t getting any better. The doctors had been honest with his family already. They told them Donghyuck is a helpless case. Maybe the boy is just so strong and brave that’s why he had survive his cancer longer than they all thought. But now, they said they’re certain it will only take a miracle for him to be with his family for a longer time. That news, no one told Mark.

Donghyuck’s mom pushed Mark to go to the entertainment agency he went to the other week. She told him he should go and sign the contract already. She told him Donghyuck would be happy to see that Mark’s already one of the artists there when he woke up. Kaya nag-aalinlangan man, nagpunta pa rin si Mark para pumirma ng kontrata.

He should be happy. This is his dream coming true. This is Hyuck’s dream for him coming true. All their hardwork, the sleepless nights they spent to improve, it’s all paying off. Mark thought of how happy Donghyuck would be. Siguradong kung ayos lang ang kalagayan nito ay kasama niya ito sa pagpirma ng kontrata. He’ll surely act like he’s Mark’s manager. He’ll surely ask Mark to celebrate on an ice cream parlor or on that bench near the cliff where they always go for dates. Or maybe, Donghyuck would not come with him. He’ll wait for him on their house. He’ll decorate every corner of the living room and play loud musics on their speaker. He’ll welcome Mark with a stretched singing of congratulations, flexing his stable vocals. Mark can think of all the things Donghyuck would do if only this happened on a regular day of their life.

But thinking about how Donghyuck would still be lying on the hospital bed, Mark feels like this isn’t the dream he was wishing for. Hindi ito ang gusto niya. Ang gusto niya ay makasama ang boyfriend niya nang matagal, ang makasama siya sa araw-araw hanggang pagtanda. Is it really too much to ask for? Mas malaki ba ‘yon kumpara sa kasikatan? Hindi ba pwedeng bawiin na lang ‘to at palitan ng mas mahabang buhay pa para kay Hyuckie? Siguro, oo. Siguro ito na talaga ‘yung regalong para sa kanya. Hindi si Hyuckie. Pero hangga’t nandito pa siya, hangga’t kaya pa siyang hawakan ni Mark, he won’t let go.

Even though it’s hard, Mark still went directly on the hospital to tell the sleeping Donghyuck that he have signed the contract already. That in a week, he’ll be introduced to the media as the next rising artist. He’ll tell him that the agency allowed him to release self-written songs. Kahit na alam niyang hindi niya naman ito madadatnan nang gising, kahit alam niya na hindi naman nito maririnig ang sasabihin niya.

Entering the hospital feels extra heavy. There’s something he can’t point out what. Pakiramdam niya hindi siya dapat tumuloy sa paglalakad dahil hindi niya kakayanin ang kung ano mang sasalubong sa kanya once he reach Donghyuck’s room.

But he was so excited. He was more than ready to tell Donghyuck everything. Kaya nang binuksan niya ang pintuan ng kwarto ni Donghyuck habang hawak ang bulaklak na binili along his way there, napakunot na lang ang noo niya nang makita ang boyfriend ni Johnny na nililigpit ang mga gamit ni Hyuck.

“Mark? Ano pang ginagawa mo dito?” tanong nito sa kanya nang may pagtataka.

Ibinalik naman ni Mark ang tanong, “Anong ginawa mo dito, Kuya? Ayos na ba si Hyuckie? Nakauwi na? Saan siya inuwi nina Mama, sa kanila ba muna? Wala kasing message si Kuya Johnny.”

Napatanga naman sa kanya si Ten at agad na hinanap ang sariling telepono. Nagmamadali itong nagtipa bago itinapat sa tenga ang hawak na cellphone.

“Hun, nasan na kayo? Bakit nandito si Mark? Wala bang nagsabi sa kanya?”

Hindi alam ni Mark ang gagawin. ‘Ni hindi niya nga alam kung anong sinasabi ni Ten. Sobra na ang pag-aalalang nararamdaman niya dahil una sa lahat, hindi niya alam kung nasaan si Donghyuck.

“Kuya, ano bang nangyayari? Nasaan na si Hyuckie?”

Patuloy na nakikipagtalo si Ten kay Johnny sa kabilang linya at hindi na natutuwa si Mark. Gusto na niyang makita si Donghyuck. Gusto na niya itong yakapin at kausapin. Hindi niya na kayang maghintay pa sa kung ano mang piang-uusapan ng kapatid ng boyfriend niya at ng kasintahan nito.

“How can you be this selfish, Johnny? Paano pala kung ako ang ilayo sa’yo ng mga kapatid ko? Maiintidihan mo ba sila? Makakaya mo ba?”

Parang nawalan ng buhay ang katawan ni Mark. Parang nawalan siya ng dugo at lakas sa narinig niya. Sinong inilayo? Anong inilayo? Bakit nila inilayo? May ginawa ba siya? Meron ba siyang naging kasalanan? Siya ba ang dahilan kung bakit nangyayari ang lahat ng ‘to?

“No! You don’t have the right to tell what’s the best for them! Hindi ka man lang ba naawa? They’ve suffered so much already! Telling him is the least you could do—“

Mark didn’t even let Ten finish his sentence. Inagaw na niya ang cellphone nito at siya na mismo ang nakipag-usap kay Johnny.

“Hun, he would come too. He’ll surely come with Donghyuck. Alam ko kung gaano kamahal ni Mark ang kapatid ko. Bibitawan niya kahit ang pangarap niya just to be with my brother’s side.”

Mark heard Johnny’s heavy breathing, “This is the last favor Hyuckie asked me. He wants Mark to get there. He wants Mark to reach his dreams. Ito na lang ‘yung kaya kong gawin para sa kapatid ko. Kung magagalit si Mark, kung matapos man ang pagkakaibigan namin dahil dito, bahala na. Hindi lang siya ‘yung kayang magtapon ng mahalagang bagay para kay Hyuckie. Mahal na mahal ko din naman ‘yung kapatid ko.”

Napahilamos si Mark sa mukha niyang basang-basa na ng luha. Ang bulaklak na kaninang hawak ay naupuan na niya nang hinayaan niyang mahulog ang sarili sa hospital bed na dating gamit ni Donghyuck.

“Kuya naman,” he tried to voice out. Kahit halos ibulong na lang niya ito.

Dinig niya sa kabilang linya ang bahagyang pagkabigla ni Johnny pero mabilis din nitong nabawi ang gulat.

“Pasensya na talaga, Mark. Hindi ko kayang tanggihan si bunso eh.”

* * *

It has been months already. Sinubukan man ni Mark na sumunod kay Donghyuck sa US kung saan nito ipinagpatuloy ang pagpapagamot, hindi naman niya maituloy. Nakapirma na siya sa kontrata ng talent agency kung saan siya pinag-audition ni Hyuckie noon. Kasama sa kontrata niya ang patuloy na pagdalo sa workshop na inihanda nila para kay Mark. Hindi rin siya maaring umalis basta ng bansa dahil may mga responsibilidad siyang kailangang gampanan sa kompanya nila.

He was told to write and compose songs. He even had a song written and sang by him released. Marami na rin ang nakakakita ng talento niya at nakakakilala sa kanya. He even saw that he gained some followers on social media.

Nakikibalita na lang siya kay Jeno na pinakamalapit na kamag-anak ni Donghyuck. Hindi rin naman kasi siya makapagtanong kay Johnny dahil hanggang ngayon ay masama pa rin ang loob nito sa nakatatanda. Kahit naman si Johnny ay hindi na rin sumubok na kausapin pa siya matapos ang pag-uusap nilang iyon sa telepono ni Ten.

Pareho nilang alam na hindi magugustuhan ni Donghyuck ang tampuhan nila pero alam din nilang mas lalala lang ang away nila kung pipilitin nilang ipaintindi sa isa’t isa ang sari-sariling dahilan.

Sa ngayon ay si Jaemin at Taeyong ang nagpapalitan sa pagluluto para kay Mark. Napansin kasi nila na puro take-out lang ang kinakain nito. Noong una ay hindi pa pumayag si Mark. Ayaw niya kasing ipagalaw ang mga gamit ni Donghyuck sa pagluluto. Sabi niya magagalit si Donghyuck kapag nalaman nitong ginagamit ni Jaemin ang green niyang ladle sa yellow niyang pot. It has to be color coordinating. Mark was really a pain in the ass. Kung hindi lang ito napagsabihan ng sariling ina noong isanama ni Taeyong para magluto, siguro ay hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin nakakapasok ng kusina nila si Jaemin.

“Anong ginagawa mo?” dinig ni Mark na tanong ni Jeno.

Nakaupo siya sa couch at nagsusulat na naman sa songwriting notebook niya habang hinihintay ang pagkaing niluluto ng kaibigan. Abala naman si Jaemin sa pagluluto habang ka-facetime si Jeno na sa pagkakaalam ni Mark ay on-break sa photoshoot.

“Ano pa, eh ‘di ipinagluluto ‘tong kaibigan mong mahirap pakainin,” sagot ni Jaemin at ngumiti sa direksyon kung saan niya ipinatong ang kanyang cellphone.

“Ako, ipagluluto mo rin ako?”

Bakas sa boses ni Jeno ang paglalambing. ‘Yung tono na naghahanap ng yakap at halik. Ganyan na ganyan din kasi ang tonong ginagamit niya kapag gusto niyang paborito niyang pagkain ang iluto ni Donghyuck para sa hapunan nila.

Hindi maituloy ni Mark ang dapat na isusulat na nanatili na lang sa pakikinig. Hindi man niya aminin ay halata naman ng lahat ang pagkainggit niya sa mga kaibigan na magkasama pa rin hanggang ngayon. Kung dati ay sukang-suka ang mga kaibigan nila sa mga harutan nila ni Donhyuck, ngayon naman ay siya itong halos magdasal sa lahat ng santong kilala niya para maibalik ‘yung dati nilang gawi.

“Oo na. Pag-uwi mo, handa na ang pagkain. Kailan ba kita ginutom, Jeno?”

Dinig na dinig ni Mark ang hagikhik ni Jeno sa kabilang linya.

“Sige na, matatapos na ang breaktime namin. Got to go, babe.”

Jaemin only hummed as he nod his head towards his phone, “I love you.”

“I… I love you too,” Jeno answered a little shy. Alam kasi nito na nakikinig si Mark sa usapan nila.

Natapos na rin nila ang pag-uusap kasabay ng paghango ni Jaemin sa niluto niya. Inihanda niya ang mga pagkain sa lamesa at inayos na rin ang mga pinggan at kubyertos. Dadating kasi si Renjun para sa schedule ni Mark. Their Chinese friend had been Mark’s acting manager since Mark trusts no one to handle his schedules and projects. Pinili niya na rin si Renjun dahil alam nito ang pinagdadaanan niya. He wants someone who understands his breakdowns. Someone who would not pressure him to do things just for people’s entertainment. Ayaw naman ni Mark na mag-hire ng bagong manager from an agency and then tell them that he can’t do this and that because his boyfriend’s currently fighting for his life out of country.

As if on cue, Renjun appeared suddenly on their living room. Heholds a plastic bag containing watermelon slices on a food tub. He passed by Mark and hit his head.

“Kumain ka na sa kusina. I want your stomach full before I tell you some good news,” sabi nito habang patuloy sa paglalakad papuntang kusina.

Mark laughed bitterly. Wala siyang tinatanggap na magandang balita bukod sa paggaling ng boyfriend niya. If that ain’t it, salamat na lang.

Sabay-sabay na kumain ang tatlo. Ang katahimikan na dating mayroon sa bahay nila ni Donghyuck simula nang araw na umalis siya papuntang US ay napalitan ng ingay at bangayan ng dalawa nilang kaibigan.

Nang matapos ang pagkain, ambang aalis na si Mark para magsulat ulit ng kanta nang pigilan siya ni Renjun.

“Sandali lang naman, Marcus, may sasabihin pa ‘ko ‘di ba?”

Pinanood lang ni Jaemin ang palitan ng mga ito ng tingin. Kita niya ang lungkot at may halong inis na mga mata ni Mark habang nakatinigin kay Renjun.

“Anong gusto mo? Magandang balita o mas magandang balita?” dinig ang kaunting pagkagalak ni Renjun.

“Hindi naman totoo ‘yang magagandang balita na ‘yan. Simula noong makatanggap ako ng sinasabi niyong good news, unti-unting nawala sa’kin ang taong mahal ko. Kung ano man ‘yan, hindi na lang.”

Napakagat sa kanyang labi si Renjun nang itaboy ni Mark ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa kamay nito. May namumuo na ring luha sa mga mata nito na hindi nakaligtas sa mapanuring tingin ng kanilang kasama.

“Pakinggan mo muna kaya ang sasabihin sa’yo? Ayan ka na naman eh.”

Hindi pinansin ni Mark ang sinabi ni Jaemin at padabog na umalis sa kusina. Agad namang niyakap ni Jaemin si Renjun nang nag-unahan ang luha nito sa pagpatak.

Nang humupa ang lungkot ni Renjun, magkasama nilang nilinis ang kusina nina Mark. Nagpaalam na rin si Jaemin na uuwi na dahil maya-maya’y uuwi na rin si Jeno.

Kahit anong pilit ni Renjun ay talagang hindi siya pinapansin ni Mark. Kaya nang maisipan niya nang umuwi, napagdesisyonan na niyang sabihin na lang kay Mark ang balita dahil alam niyang kahit itanggi ng nakatatanda ay tiyak na matutuwa ito.

“’Yung magandang balita, sabi ng management makakapag-release ka na daw ng sariling album in three months. Kung magiging hit, baka magkaroon ka ng chance na mag one-day thank you concert.”

Patuloy sa pagsusulat kaya ngumiti na lang ng mapait si Renjun nang buksan niya ang pintuan palabas ng bahay nina Mark.

“’Yung mas magandang balita, conscious na ulit si Hyuckie at pwede nang makausap.”

Kung nakita man ni Renjun ang mabilis na pagliwanag ng mukha ni Mark ang paghabol nito ng tingin sa kanya sa paglabas niya ng bahay, iniwan niya na lang ito nang mag-isa. Alam niya naman kasi kung gaano katagal nang hinihintay ni Mark na makarinig ng ganoong klaseng balita.

* * *

Mark’s debut song “Borrowe Time” received a lot of recognition a month before the release of his first album. They all thought the album would be his stepping stone to fame. Hindi nila na in-expect na sisikat ang unang kanta na ginawa niya dahil halos lahat naman ng singer ay sumikat lang noong nakatagal na sa industriya ng musika.

Ang dahilan ng pagsikat nito? Madami ang naka-relate sa sakit ng bawat salitang nakapaloob sa kanta. Kung saan man hinugot ni Mark ang emosyon sa pagkanta at pagsulat, walang ideya ang lahat. Ang tanging alam nila ay handang-handa na sila sa nilalaman ng unamg album na ilalapag niya sa madla.

Kung noong mga unang buwan niya sa industriya ay napansin niya ang pailan-ilang nag-follow sa account niya, ngayon ay bulag na lang ang hindi makakakita sa daan-daang taong sumusunod sa kanya sa mga pampublikong lugar. Hindi na siya makalabas ng bahay o ng kompanya nila nang walang suot na mask, shades at cap.

Ang kasikatan na pinagdadasal niya lang noon, heto at nasa harapan na niya ngayon. Ang kinaiba lang, ‘yung taong kasabay niyang nangarap, wala na sa tabi niya.

Hindi niya pa rin nakakausap si Donghyuck. Hindi dahil sa bawal pa o hindi pumapayag ang pamilya niya. Ito ay dahil ayaw ni Donghyuck na makita ni Mark kung ano na ang lagay niya.

Nagkausap na at nagkaunawaan si Johnny at Mark. May mga araw na bumibisita si Mark sa bahay nina Johnny para panoorin ang nakatatanda na makipag-facetime sa kapatid nito. Wala silang ibang ginagawa kung hindi ang pag-usapan si Mark. Walang ibang itinatanong si Donghyuck sa kapatid niya bukod sa pangungumusta lahat kundi ang kung ano mang progreso sa career ng boyfriend. Madalas ding magkwento si Donghyuck na pinakikinggan niya araw-araw ang kanta ni Mark at pinapanood ito sa mga show na lumalabas siya kahit ilang segundo lang.

Kada tawag ay pigil-pigil ni Mark ang ingay ng mga hikbi niya habang nakikinig sa magkapatid. Ang makita niya mula sa screen ng cellphone ni Johnny ang boyfriend niyang patuloy nang nangayayat at nawawalan ng sigla. Na kahit na malapad ang ngiti nito at kumikinang ang mga mata habang sinasabing proud na proud siya sa mga nararating ni Mark ay bakas pa rin ang hirap niya sa pagsasalita at paghinga.

Gustong-gusto ni Mark maagaw ang cellphone ni Johnny pero alam niyang hindi siya kayang kausapin ni Donghyuck ngayon. Na kahit sobra na ang pagkasabik nila sa isa’t isa ay pipiliin pa rin ni Donghyuck hindi magparamdam ng ilang linggo ‘wag lang niyang makausap si Mark.

Sinabihan naman siya ni Johnny noong nakaraan. Na alam niyang alam ng kapatid niya na lagi niyang nasa tabi si Mark tuwing magkausap sila. Na ang hiling na lang ni Donghyuck ay hindi makita ang mukha ni Mark na malungkot at naaawa sa kanya.

Dumating ang araw na nagrelease na siya ng album at mabilis na dumami ang listeners at views ng title track niya. Umasa si Mark na tatawag si Donghyuck sa kapatid dahil dito kaya agad siyang nagpunta sa bahay ng mga ito.

Naabutan niya na lang si Johnny na umiiyak habang yakap-yakap siya ni Ten.

Hindi si Donghyuck ang kausap nito kundi ang kaniang ina.

Doon pa lang ay sunod-sunod na ang pagpatak ng luha ni Mark. Na kahit hindi pa niya alam ang nangyayari ay parang gumuguho na ang mundo niya.

“Sige na naman, Hyuckie. Gusto kang makita ni Kuya,” halos hindi na maintindihan ng Mark ang sinasabi ng nakatatanda dahil sa pag-iyak nito.

“Bunso, si Kuya naman ‘to. Mahal na mahal ka pa rin naman ni Kuya kahit anong itsura mo. ‘Wag mo namang pahirapan si Kuya.”

Lumakas ang pag-iyak ni Donghyuck sa kabilang linya. Sumisigaw na ito at sinasabihan ang ina na patayin na ang tawag. Ramdam ni Mark ang lungkot, ang galit at ang inis sa tono ng boses nito.

“Anak, makakasama pa sa kapatid mo kung pipilitin natin. Nabigla lang siguro pero baka sa susunod na tawag namin ay makipag-usap na siya. Mag-ingat na lang kayo diyan ha?”

Ibinigay ni Johnny ang cellphone kay Ten at patuloy na lang na umiyak.

“Ten, anak, ikaw na muna ang bahala kay Johnny at Mark. Tatawag na lang ulit ako.”

Ilang araw matapos ang tawag na ‘yon, nalaman na lang ni Mark kay Jeno na kaya hindi na pumapayag si Donghyuck na magpakita sa facetime nila ni Johnny ay dahil tuluyan na siyang pinakalbo ng kanilang ina. Hindi na rin daw kasi nila kinakaya ang pag-iyak nito sa tuwing nakikitang nanlalagas ang buhok. Hindi naman nila inakalang mas malulungkot pala ito kapag tuluyan nang nawala ang buhok niya.

“I always loved playing with his hair. It’s me who always encourage him to try different colors for his hair. Maybe I should’ve not made him love his hair too much.”

When Jaemin and Jeno hugged him tight, even though he doesn’t like receiving one before, he thought he needed it that moment.

* * *

Like the management expected after his debut song became a hit, his album gained sales that even older artists from their company didn’t make in just months.

Kasabay ng dami ng benta ng album niya ay ang pagdami rin ng mga taong nagtataka kung bakit ganoon na lang kasakit ang bawat kantang nilalaman ng album niya. It was indicated that he wrote all the songs that was on the album. Hindi nila maisip na sa edad ni Mark ay napakarami na ng hugot nito sa kanyang mga kanta.

Mark was not minding the huge fuss until someone started digging his past. People got to know that he had a band before. There are pictures and videos of their band circulated on the internet. And then some started stalking his bandmates’ social media accounts. That’s when people discovered about Donghyuck.

Pictures of Mark and Donghyuck from Johnny’s account, from Donghyuck’s own account and Mark’s old account started spreading. There were videos of them singing together with Mark playing guitar. There were pictures from their past anniversaries. There were pictures of when Mark first tried proposing to Donghyuck.

Everyone was in shock. They didn’t expect Mark to be in a stable relationship for years already. But digging those probably weren’t enough because they still digged informations until they found out about Donghyuck’s current condition.

That’s when Mark called them out for invading his personal life and intruding on his privacy. He was obviously mad and made all of his social accounts private. His families and friends did the same.

A lot of his fans looked for those people who digged his past and tried their best to report every account that talked recklessly about the issue. A day after that, they decided to reach out on Mark again by telling him that they’re still by Mark’s side after knowing all of it.

Mark woke up to the news that his fans made a hashtag for him trending on first spot in the Philippines. There are videos of his fans singing Steven Chapman’s I Will Be Here. It gained too much attention that even people from outside the country symphatized with him.

“They’re all here for you, Mark. May mga taong naniniwala sa’yo, sa inyo. They don’t just tell you that they support you. They also tell you to be stronger,” Renjun said after watching one of the videos from Mark’s fans.

Mark can’t even cry anymore. Ubos na ubos na ata siya. Hindi na nga niya makasama si Donghyuck, ngayon naman ay kinakaawaan pa siya ng buong mundo. Na para bang isang pelikula ang buhay at relasyon nila ni Donghyuck. Mali man sa tingin ng iba, hindi nagugustuhan ni Mark ang lahat. Hindi niya gusto na parang ginagawa lang ng ibang tao na biro ang lahat ng pinagdadaanan niya.

Nasasakatan siya at nawawalan na ng pag-asa. Halos patayin na niya ang sarili sa walang tigilna pagtatrabaho pero iniisip pa rin ng mga taong ‘to na magbabago at mawawala lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya dahil lang sa isang kanta.

Oo, alam niyang umiikot sa musika ang buhay niya. Na sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay musika ang sandalan at kaligayahan niya. Pero noon ‘yon. Noon noong wala pa si Donghyuck sa buhay niya. Kasi ngayon, babalik lang ang dati niyang buhay kung babalik din si Donghyuck sa kanya.

Gusto niyang manumbat. Gusto niyang mag-amok. Galit na galit siya sa mundo. Pero wala rin naman siyang masisi. Hindi niya masisi ang itaas. Hindi niya masisi ang mga taong sinusubukan siyang pasayahin. Hindi niya masisi ang mga kaibigan at pamilya niyang ang hinangad lang naman ay ang kung anong mabuti para sa kanya. Hindi niya rin masisi si Donghyuck. Hindi niya kailanman kayang isisi ang lahat sa taong mahal niya. Dahil alam niyang pareho lang naman silang nahihirapan at nasasaktan.

Siguro sarili niya lang ang masisisi niya. Dahil duwag siya. Dahil mahina ang loob niya. Dahil hindi siya naging sapat. Hindi niya naibigay ang lahat noong mga panahong kaya niya pa. pakiramdam niya hindi niya naiparamdam kay Donghyuck ang isandaang porsyento ng pagmamahal niya. Pakiramdam niya ay nagkulang siya sa pagpapaalala dito kung ano niya siya kamahal. Kung gaano niya hindi makakaya kung mawawala ito sa kanya. Na para na rin siyang namatay kung tuluyang mawawala si Donghyuck sa kanya.

Sa totoo lang ay naghihintay na lang din si Mark kung kailan niya makakaya, kung kailan niya matatanggap. Matagal na siyang pinaalalahanan ni Donghyuck sa araw na ‘yon. Matagal na siyang inihahanda ni Donghyuck. Pero kahit ang ang paghihintay sa araw na matanggap na niya ay hindi niya mapanindigan. Alam niyang darating din ang arw na kakayanin niya pero hindi siya sigurado kung kailan. Maaring matanggap niya lang kapag siya na mismo ang nag-aagaw buhay. Kapag siya naman ang mang-iiwan sa lahat. Kapag siya naman ang aalis. Pero ngayon? Hindi niya kaya. Hindi niya kaya kung alam niyang napakatagal pa ang mga araw, mga buwan, mga taon na gugugulin niya na wala si Donghyuck sa tabi niya.

* * *

A week before his than you concert. Hatinggabi at nagpapahinga na siya para magising ng maaga. He has stage stunts that needs to be perfected before the actual day. His concert was sold out almost immediately after they opened the site where fans can buy tickets.

He unwillingly woke up when the loud ringing of his phone broke out. He extended his arm and took his phone from the bedside table. When he answered the call with croaky voice, his eyes widen when he heard a soft giggle as a response.

“M-mahal?”

Agad na bumangon si Mark sa pagkakahiga. Hawak-hawak niya ng dalawang kamay ang cellphone habang hinihintay magsalita ang nasa kabilang linya.

Ito na naman ‘yung pakiramdam. ‘Yung pakiramdam niya noong araw na nakapasa siya sa ausition. Ganitong-ganito siya kaasang marinig ang boses ni Donghyuck pero boses naman ni Jeno ang narinig niya.

Pigil ang hininga niya habang naghihintay sa katahimikan. Ilang segundo pa ang lumipas nang marinig niya ang boses na matagal na niyang hinihintay.

“Mahal…”

Tears fell uncontrollably when he heard that voice call him again after a very long time. It’s almost a year. It’s almost a year since he last heard Donghyuck call him mahal. Pakiramdam ni Mark ay nawala lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya sa loob ng halos isang taong pagkakalayo sa taong mahal niya.

“Mahal, kamusta ka na? Okay ka na ba? May masakit pa ba? Hyuckie, love, mahal, miss na miss na kita.”

Habol ang hininga niyang pinaulanan ng tanong si Donghyuck. Siguro ay naririnig na sa labas ng bahay nila ang mga iyak niya, ang pagkasabik niya, ang pag-aalala. Gusto niyang lumipad papuntang US at yakapin ang kausap. Gusto niya itong titigan at panoorin. Kahit siguro hindi niya ito mahalikan o mahawakan. Gusto niya lang itong makita, marinig, maamoy. Gusto niyang maramdaman na nadyan lang siya sa tabi ni Mark. Na hindi na siya mawawala at aalis. Na hindi na niya iiwan si Mark nang mag-isa.

“Sorry, mahal ah? Sorry kung umalis ako. Sorry kung hindi kita kinausap agad. Sorry kung sobra kitang pinag-alala.”

Mark shushed him he can hear his boyfriend chasing his breath and he doesn’t like hearing him in pain and having a hard time. He doesn’t want Donghyuck exhausted. He doesn’t want to drain his energy.

“Mahal, okay lang. Okay lang basta magpagaling ka. Magpagaling ka, ha?”

Donghyuck sobbed harder. Bawat patak ata ng luha ni Donghyuck ay dinodoble ng mata ni Mark. Para silang mga batang nag-agawan ng laruan hanggang sa nasira na at wala na silang pinag-aagawan. Pareho silang nanlulumo. Pareho silang nasaasaktan. Pareho nilang sinisisi ang mga sarili. Pareho nilang iniisip na sila ang dahilan kung bakit nalulungkot at nasasaktan ang isa’t isa.

Ilang minuto pa silang umiyak bago unti-unting tumahan si Donghyuck at nagsalitang muli.

“Mahal, kwentuhan mo naman ako kung ano ‘yung mga nakaligtaan ko.”

Napapikit si Mark na siyang naging dahilan para magpatakan ang mga bagong luha. Kung ano man ang kahantungan ng pag-uusap nilang ito, alam niyang hindi niya pa rin kaya.

“Narating ko na, mahal. May concert ako sa isang linggo, manonood ka ba?”

Humagikhik si Donghyuck at huminga ng malalim, “kakantahan mo ba ‘ko? Kung may kakantahin kang para sa’kin, panonoorin at pakikinggan kita.”

Napatingin si Mark sa dalawang gitarang nakasabit sa pader ng kwarto nila. Ang gitara niya na gamit niya simula pa noong nag-aaral siya hanggang sa pagsikat niya at ang gitarang iniregalo niya kay Donghyuck.

‘Ni hindi man lang niya naturuan si Donghyuck makatugtog ng isang buong kanta. Hindi niya man lang naranasang kumanta habang tumutugtog si Donghyuck para sa kanya. Ang dami pa pala talaga nilang hindi nagagawa. Ang dami pa nilang gustong gawin.

“Lahat naman ng kanta ko para sa ‘yo.”

Kung magkaharap lang sila ngayon ay inirapan na siya nito. Bihira lang magbitaw si Mark ng mga salitang dapat ay magpakilig kay Hyuckie. At sa lahat ng pagkakataong nagbibitaw si Mark ng mga ganoong salita, hindi kinakaya ng nakababata at pinipili na lang itinatago ang tuwa sa pagtataray.

“Wala ka bang kanta para sa kanila?” tahimik na tanong ni Donghyuck.

“Sinong sila?” balik tanong naman ni Mark.

“’Yung mga taong handang sumuporta sa ‘yo. Handang samahan ka kapag hindi ko na magagawa.”

Itanggi man ni Mark, alam na niya. Ito na ang araw na ‘yon. Ito na ‘yung araw na inihahanda siya ni Donghyuck sa pagdating. Ito na ‘yung araw na akala nila hindi na darating. ‘Yung araw na sabi ng mga doktor ay natagalan lang. Pero bakit parang ang bilis? Bakit nandito na agad sila sa dulo kung pakiramdam naman ni Mark ay wala pa silang nauumpisahan?

“I saw the tweets and posts, love. Mahal na mahal ka nila. They’ll be there for you when I leave. Tama pala ang naging desisyon ko. I was a bit hesitant to push you on the spotlight before. I was so scared that you’ll receive too much love. That you’ll end up not needing mine. But now, I realized, I was brave and clever to share you to the world.”

Mark can’t even talk. Hinayaan na lang niya si Donghyuck magsalita. Makikinig na lang siya. Makikinig siya hangga’t naririnig niya pa ang boses nito. Kung maari lang ay ‘wag na itong matapos sa pagsasalita.

“May magmamahal na sa’yo bukod sa’kin. May mag-aalala na sa ‘yo bukod sa’kin. May makikinig na sa mga kanta mo bukod sa’kin. May maniniwala na sa kakayahan mo bukod sa’kin. May magpapaalala na sa’yo kung gaano ka ka-espesyal bukod sa’kin. May mananatili na sa tabi mo para sa’kin.”

“Donghyuck…”

Natawa na lang si Hyuckie nang marinig ang garalgal na boses ni Mark. Huli na ‘to. Huling beses na niyang masasaktan si Mark. Sa huling beses na ‘to, ang gusto niya lang ay maramdaman ni Mark na mahl na mahal siya ni Donghyuck sa kabila ng lahat.

“’Wag ka nang umiyak, mahal. Malapit na akong umuwi. Kapag bumalik na ‘ko sa d’yan sa Pilipinas, hindi na ‘ko aalis ulit. Pangako, mahal.”

Kahit dinig naman ni Donghyuck ang hagulhol ni Mark, nagpanggap pa rin ang nakatatanda na hindi siya umiiyak. Ngumiti si Donghyuck sa kawalan. Kampante na siya. Isa na itong hakbang para kay Mark. Isang progreso. Nakakaya na niya unti-unti. Alam ni Donghyuck na alam na ni Mark. At alam din niyang hinahayaan na siya nitong bumitaw.

“Mahal na mahal kita, Donghyuck Lee. Pakasalan mo na ‘ko pag-uwi mo?”

Humigpit ang hawak ni Donghyuck sa cellphone, “Oo, Minhyung. Sorry kung nahuli ang sagot ko. I love you so much, mahal. Magpapakasal tayo.”

“Thank you, Hyuckie. Salamat sa lahat.”

Tumugon na lang si Donghyuck ng pagsang-ayon bago humikab.

“Sige na, mahal. Gusto ko nang magpahinga.”

Pikit-matang humiling si Mark sa itaas na sana tumigil ang oras sa sandaling ‘yon. Hindi niya pa kayang tapusin ang tawag. Hindi niya pa kayang tapusin ang lahat. Kahit na anong pagpapanggap niya ay mananatili pa rin siyang mahina. Pero kahit hindi niya kaya, kailangan na. pagod na pagod na si Donghyuck at mas hindi kaya ni Mark na patagalin pa ang paghihirap na ‘to. Kaya kung ito lang ang paraan para matapos na rin pati ang paghihirap nilang lahat, kung ito na ang napiling desisyon ni Donghyuck, ano pa bang magagawa niya?

“Sige, magpahinga ka na. Bumalik ka na dito, mahal.”

* * *

Sugod sa ulan na nagpunta si Mark sa bahay nina Johnny. Kahit malalim na ang gabi ay walang pag-aalinlangan itong kumatok sa pintuan. Malakas ang mga sigaw at pag-iyak niya habang tumatawag sa pangalan ng kapatid ni Donghyuck.

Nang pagbuksan siya ng pintuan ng magkasintahan ay sinalubong agad niya ang mga ito ng yakap.

“Kuya, iuwi niyo na si Hyuckie. Ibalik niyo na siya dito.”

Nagmamadaling tumakbo si Ten patungong kusina para kumuha ng tubig habang inalalayan naman ni Johnny si Mark paupo sa couch.

“Ano na naman ba ‘to, Mark? Akala ko ba nagkaintindihan na tayo?”

Umiling lang si Mark bago hinablot ang kwelyo ni Johnny. Patuloy ang pagpatak ng luha niya sa mukha at dibdib ni Johnny. Natahimik na lang ito habang pinagmamasdan ang itsura ni Mark. Halos mawala na ang puti nito sa mata dahil sa pamumula.

“Nakausap ko siya kanina. Pumayag na siyang magpakasal, Kuya.”

Sabay na natigilan si Johnny at Ten sa narinig. Hindi nila alam kung ano ang mararamdman. Gulat ba, takot, pagtataka, pag-asa?

“Kuya, iuwi niyo na siya bago siya tuluyang magpahinga.”

Nang manghina ang mga tuhod ni Mark at tanggalin ang pagkakahawak sa kwelyo ni Johnny, ibinuhos na niya lahat ng sakit na pigil-pigil niya habang kausap si Hyuckie.

“Nagpaalam na siya sa’kin eh. Nagsabi na siya. Gusto na niyang magpahinga. Gusto na niyang umuwi.”

Kita ni Mark sa nanlalabo niyang mata ang biglaang pagbagsak ni Ten sa sahig at pagsapo nito sa kanyang bibig. Dinig din ni Mark ang pagpatak at pagkabasag ng basong kanina’y hawak nito. Sa tabi naman niya ay napasabunot si Johnny sa kanyang buhok at pagyuko.

“Iuwi na natin siya, Kuya. Gusto ko na siyang makita ulit.”

Malakas na sumigaw si Johnny at sinabayan ang mga hagulhol ni Mark. Parang naging asong ulol ito sa mga narinig. Maging siya ay hindi pa kaya, hindi pa tanggap. Nag-iisa niyang kapatid ang pinag-uusapan at alam maging ng nasa itaas kung gaano niya kamahal ang kapatid niya. Lahat ng sakripisyo at pag-aaruga niya kay Donghyuck. Halos ituring na niya itong sariling anak. Higit pa sa pagmamahal niya kahit kanino ang pagmamahal niya rito. Kasama niya ito simula pa lamang noong mga panahong hindi pa ito nakakalakad o nakakapagsalita. Ang hindi niya matanggap ay mauuna pa itong umalis sa kanya.

Lahat sila ay napatigil nang marinig nila ang pagtunog ng cellphone ni Johnny na nakapatong sa tabi ng kanilang tv. Nangangalos man ang tuhod ay tumayo si Ten sa pagkakasalampak nito sa sahig para kunin ang telepono. Nanginig ang kamay nito at mas malakas ang boses na umiyak habang nakatingin sa screen. Nag-aalinlangan niyang sinagot ang tawag at ni-loud speaker para marinig ng dalawa.

“Johnny, anak…”

Napahilamos si Johnny sa mukha nang marinig ang mahinang boses ng ama. Nagpapadyak na siya at iniliyad ang sarili sa kinauupuan. Si Mark naman ay tahimik na lang habang patuloy sa pagpatak ang luha.

“uuwi na kami d’yan, ‘nak. Iuuwi na namin si bunso. Nagpahinga na kapatid mo.”

Tanging pag-iyak na lang ang naisagot ni Ten bago patayin ng ama nina Johnny at Donghyuck ang tawag.

“Hindi na kami maikakasal, Kuya. Iniwan na niya ‘ko agad. Nangako siya sa’kin eh. Nangako siya.”

Hinila ni Johnny si Mark at niyakap ito ng mahigpit. ‘Yung yakap na gusto niyang gawin kay Donghyuck nang mga oras na ‘yon ay kay Mark na lang niya ibinigay. Damang-dama niya sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ni Mark na kaunti na lang at mawawala na ito sa sarili.

“Sabi niya pakakasalan niya ‘ko. Um-oo na siya. Sabi niya magkasama kaming tatanda. Sabi niya hindi niya ‘ko iiwan. Sabi niya hindi niya ‘ko pababayaan na mag-isa. Sabi niya babalikan niya ‘ko. Sinabi niyang lahat ‘yon. Pinanghahawakan ko lahat ng ‘yon.”

Pinanood ni Ten kung paanong ang mga taong dating sandalan nila ni Donghyuck tuwing nasasaktan at umiiyak ay siya ngayong humahanap ng saklolo sa isa’t isa. Na kung dati ay madalas ang pagpapalitan nito ng pambabara at pag-aamok, siya namang inihigpit ng yakap nila sa isa’t isa ngayon.

Ilang oras pa ang lumipas bago sumugod ang mga kaibigan nina Donghyuck kasa ang pinsan nilang si Jeno sa bahay nina Johnny. Kasunod ng mga ito ay si ang mga magulang ni Mark, ang kapatid niyang si Jaehyun kasama ang boyfriend nito at ang sumundo sa kanila na si Renjun. Nauna pala angmga itong pumunta sa bahay nina Mark at Donghyuck nang marinig ang balita mula sa mga magulang ni Jeno at magulang ni Mark. Naabutan na nilang walang tao sa bahay kaya’t inasahan na nilang makita ito sa bahay nina Johnny.

Noon pa man ay gusto na ni Donghyuck makitang magkakasama ang buo nilang pamilya sa iisang okasyon. Sabi pa nito ay mangyayari lang iyon sa araw ng kasal ni Mark. Kung saan naandoon ang mga magulang nilang dalawa, ang mga kapatid nila, ang mga kaibigan nila. Hanggang imahinasyon na lang pala ang lahat ng iyon.

Hanggang sa panaginip na lang.

* * *

Ang paghingi ni Mark ng pahinga sa trabaho ay naging maugong. Lalo na nang malaman ng lahat ang pagpanaw ng kasintahan nito.

Samu’t sari ang naging reaksyon ng madla. Marami ang umiyak nang malaman nila kung gaanong kabigat ang pinagdaraanan ng kanilang idolo sa mga oras na iyon. Marami ang nagalit nang malaman nilang tuloy at hindi imo-move ang concert ni Mark sa isang linggo.

Ilan sa mga fan ni Mark ay nagpalaganap ng petition form para i-cancel o kahit na i-move ang nasabing concert. Halos lahat ay nagkaisa at nag-sign ng petition. Lingid man sa kaalaman ng kanilang idolo ay handa nila itong tulungan para man lang makasa pa ni Mark ang kasintahan hanggang sa mga huli nitong sandali sa ibabaw.

They were all disappointed when the concert organizers told them they can’t make any changes anymore.

Donghyuck and his parents went back to Philippines the exact same day Mark released a new song entitled Kabilang Buhay. It’s obviously a song for Donghyuck, for his love. Like any of his other songs. It all talks about his muse.

The song trended even internationally. In just a day, there are a lot of covers and versions released by his fans and listeners from all over the world.

When Mark first saw Donghyuck again, he didn’t cry. He straight up fainted and lost consciousness. Parang humiwalay ang sarili niyang kaluluwa. Parang gusto niyang sumunod sa lugar na pinuntahan ni Donghyuck at hindi na umalis, manatili na lang doon kasama siya.

The biggest move Mark made after a few days of dwelling on the idea of Donghyuck being away forever was when he finally able to visit their company and tell that he can still perform for the concert.

He made an announcement in his social media accounts that he’ll get through the news not soon but still will. That Donghyuck taught him how to be strong for this moment and he will not disappoint his love.

This is what Donghyuck wants. This is his last gift to Mark. He will not let this gift go on waste. Si Donghyuck ang napagpasok sa kanya sa industriyang ‘to. Kung ang pananatili sa industriya ang magiging kapalit o pagpapasalamat niya sa kasintahan, handa niya itong ingatan.

Isa pa, sabi ni Donghyuck manonood siya. Ang sabi niya ay makikinig siya. Kaya kahit na mahirap, kakanta si Mark. Kakanta at tutugtog siya para sa pinakamamahal niya. Kahit magmukha siyang tanga sa harapan ng mundo. Kahit magmukha siyang kawawa. Gagawin niya ang lahat para kay Donhyuck. For his boyfriend, his constant, his permanent, his almost husband.

Habang kinakanta ang mga isinulat ay ramdam niya ang malamig na hanging yumakap sa kanya. Napapikit siya at dinama ang bawat haplos ng hangin sa kanyang braso at mukha.

Kinabukasan matapos ang concert ay ang araw ng tuluyan nilang pagpapaalam kay Donghyuck.

“Hahanapin kita sa dagat ng tao, hahanapin kita sa libo-libong mata. Ikaw lang ang kakantahan ko. Ikaw lang ang titingnan ko. Manood ka, mahal. Kakanta ako para lang sa’yo. Makinig ka sana.”

Binitawan ni Mark ang hawak na gitara at kinuha sa lamesa ang isang maliit na kahon. Wala mang luha ay puno ng lungkot ang kanyang mga mata habang tinitingnan ang singsing na balak niya sanang ibigay kay Donghyuck sa oras na sumagot na ito ng oo.

“Sana isinuot mo man lang, mahal.”

Mark is wearing the same on his ring finger. He took the ring out of the box and put it on his pinky. The rings both look beautiful on his fingers, but it would look even beautiful if it’s Hyuck who’s wearing the other one. He feels giddy to see it sit beside each other, but Mark knows he’ll appreciate it more if it connects when they intertwine their fingers while wearing it.

He jolted when his phone goes off with a notification. It was Johnny. He sent him something. A file. A video.

After the video was a message that says “Found this on his phone. He probably didn’t have the courage to send this to you before. I think you’ll need it. We’ll move forward eventually, brother.”

Mark can’t even play the video. Even with it paused, he can already see Donghyuck’s pretty face. It looks like it was taken a few days after they cut all of his hair off. He’s wearing the beanie Mark always wear before. He’s pale and looked really tired but he’s smiling.

With saking finger, Mark clicked the video and watched Donghyuck move. He’s holding his father’s phone and he seems looking for something on it. When he finally found what he’s looking for, he clicked on it and the intrumentals for I Will Be Here started resounding on their quiet house.

Mark is breaking into tears again. He watched as Donghyuck keeps on smiling as he sing. He holds up a paper cut of huge green hearts while singing. He’s doing exactly what Mark fans did on their videos that day they found out about Donghyuck.

He’ll miss that smile. He’ll miss that voice. He’ll miss everything about his boyfriend. Ang mga pang-aasar nito, ang kakulitan, ang masarap niyang luto, ang paglalaro niya sa mga daliri ni Mark, ang pagmamakaawa niyang mag-alaga ng aso, ang pag-iwan niya ng bukas na gripo, ang pagpapaalala niya kay Mark na patayin ang appliances kapag umaalis sa bahay nang walang tao. Lahat ng maliliit at malalaking bagay tungkol kay Donghyuck, mami-miss niya. Ang mga halik nito, ang mga yakap at haplos. He’ll even miss his waist, his thighs, his panting and moans. He’ll miss everything innocent and wild. Basta ang alam niya lang, hindi niya mabibitawan lahat ng ala-ala nilang dalawa.

“You may never see me anymore, but I’m always there. I’ll always be by your side, Minhyung. Hindi kita iiwan. Sasamahan kita sa lahat. Sasamahan kita hanggang sa hindi mo na ‘ko kailangan sa tabi mo. Sorry, mahal. Maybe I am not really the one for you.”

Mark only shook his head and hugged his phone.

“No, ikaw talaga. Ikaw ang para sa’kin. Ikaw lang.”

* * *

Tuloy lang siya sa pagkanta kahit na dinig niyang kakaunti na lang ang sumasabay. Halos lahat ng nanonood ay umiiyak na at hindi na nagf-focus sa performance niya.

This song is the last one. The concert will soon end after this at hindi niya inakalang lahat sila ay uuwing may luha sa mata.

Iminulat niya ang kanyang mata at ibinaling muli sa taong tahimik pa ring nakangiti sa harapan niya.

“’Di ba’t sabi mo hindi mo ‘ko iiwan? ‘Di pababayaan na ako’y mag-isa.”

Kita niya ang mga luhang pumatak mula sa mga mata nito. Hindi pa rin napawi ang ngiti nito sa labi at parang hinihikayat lang si Mark na magpatuloy.

“’Di ba’t sabi mo sabay tayong tatanda? Bakit bigla ka na lang nand’yaan?”

Donghyuck was just standing there and looking at him as the crowd eats him and he slowly disappears. When Mark can no longer see him, he just looked up on the bright light of the spotlight.

“Sa kabilang buhay…”

Mark put his finger up and pointed above. His hand almost full of accessories. The rings that they were supposed to wear on their wedding, the bracelet Donghyuck gave him and another bracelet that holds Donghyuck’s guitar pick.

“Thank you, Lee Donghyuck. To my number one fan, to my first supporter, to my muse. Maraming salamat sa pagtulak mo sa’kin sa entabladong ‘to. Salamat ipinakilala mo sa’kin ang mga taong ‘to.”

He hostled his finger up even higher and bowed down to wipe his tears with the hand holding his mic.

“Thank you for leaving me with thousands of people to hug me when you can’t. People that will cry with me when I miss you the most.”

Mark looked up again and smiled, “I love you, mahal. Fly high, my angel.”

His concert ended with a ment. He thank all of his fans who were there with him on his worst. He thank them for singing with him. He thank them for believing on him and fo supporting him.

Umuwi man silang lumuluha, alam naman nilang kahit papaano ay nabawasan nila ang bigat na nararamdaman ni Mark. Na nang gabing iyon, nasa mata ni Mark ang muling pagbangon, ang tuluyang pagtanggap. Na hindi man siya makabitaw ngayon, darating din ang araw na kakayanin na niya. At ngayon na ang simula.

The next day was another painful day. Mark and their families were crying their heart out as they finally bid goodbye to Donghyuck.

Mark was a wreck for a whole year that he’s away. And now that he’ll be gone for good, hindi alam ni Mark kung mabubuo pa ba siya ulit pagkatapos nito.

He looked at his boyfriend for he last time. His beautiful face smiles at him and silently tells him he can cry, he can cry for as much and as long as he could, but he has to make sure that a day would come and he will wipe all of it away and start a new and happy life.

As they leave the place where Donghyuck sleeps and rests, Mark looked up at the sky and followed the white balloons that flew with the doves.

“I will forever love you, Hyuckie.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please do leave kudos and comments if you liked it! You might want to bark with me on twitter everytime there are markhyuck interactions, I use the same username. we can also bardagle on cc, same username. and you might want to read my full english markhyuck au on wattpad, again, same username.
> 
> that's shameless plugging because I am famewhore but who cares? lol


End file.
